PLAYING WITH THE DEVIL

CHAPTER 1: LOVE ME TENDER

At the end of year 12 we were given an award that praised our individual talents and personal attributes. My bright red satin flares swished against my gangly teenage legs as I
I walked up to the stage to collect my award for ‘adding colour to everyone’s lives’.

Everyone laughed good naturedly as I paused to brush a stray strand of fire engine red hair out of my blood red stoned eyes and adjust my oversized Jewish mumma glasses.

Back then, it seemed easy to have a colourful life all you had to do was wear an outlandishly vibrant outfit and colourful times would be sure to follow. Life was about letting the good times roll. Fun came before any form of responsibility, and smoking pot came before just about everything else.

After drifting through school stoned, I then drifted through the first 2 years of art school stoned. I had also graduated to uppers like speed, ecstasy and cocaine and seemed to be constantly coming down from the high of the weekend. I began to lose not only my powers of concentration but also my interest in being at art school, the only thing I had ever wanted to do.

I was wild with Paranoia, and in such a foul mood from Sunday to Wednesday that I alienated myself from my family. The only other friends I had engaged in the same type of drug taking gluttony common to the ‘recreational’ indulger, and were also trapped in their own weekly cycles of comedown depression.

Even some of these friends thought I was going to far, one saying with a laugh that she would be surprised if I made it to my 30th birthday.

Cool I thought that’s extreme, live hard and fast and then die while you’re still in your prime. In this semi conscious state it was impossible to concentrate on anything but my latest melodrama, usually involving a string of immature young boys that I freely gave my heart to. Most of who were just as mixed up as I was.

I was just beginning my second year of art school when I met Sam.
The night we met, I remember thinking that he looked just like a little boy, blond, soft and innocent. His hair was shaved on the sides and a bunch of neat baby blond dreadlocks flopped to one side, landing in his cornflower blue eyes.

I don’t remember the first thing he said, but I do remember being surprised by his voice, it was deep, masculine and self assured, too self assured I thought.

In the soft grey light of morning after partying all night we would always end up at Blair’s house, the only one of us who didn’t still live with his parents. My head would be

laying in Sam’s lap and he would stroke my hair. “How come we always end up like this”. He said one morning after about a month of indulging in this type of flirtation.

It occurred to me that maybe he didn’t want to be with me
until I looked up and saw him grin cat like. I purred with the pleasure of being so close to him, yet we still hadn’t kissed then, not yet.

After a few more weeks I began to wonder if we would ever make the leap from friends to lovers. “How do I know how you feel, I don’t even know weather you care about me.” I said on one such morning, speed residue spinning round in my head paranoid overreaction setting.

“Then why would I keep this.”
“Keep what” I said taking on the role of a petulant child.
He pulled out his school bus pass, and inside was a single strand of my hair.
“How long have you had this for” I said I trying to push back in the smile that threatened to break out on my face.
“I’ve had it from the first day we met.”
This was the deepest joy I had ever known this was love, truly, madly deeply.

The next week he invited me over for dinner, but I didn’t go. I wanted it so much, but at the same time I wanted to prove to him that I had a life, other people to see other things to do. It was of course an act. There was nobody else I would have preferred to have been with and no other place than with him that I would have preferred to be.

After going out for the second night in a row without sleeping I called him at 7.00 in the morning and asked him if I could come over.
“Yes come now.” He said sounding pleased to hear me.

15 minutes later he answered his front door in his boxer shorts, his face slightly puffy from being asleep.
“I thought you were coming to dinner, I even cooked a roast,” he said laughing it off good naturedly.
“Oh I had some other plans.” I said as coolly as possible
We went inside and sat on his bed for a while chatting and drinking champagne. I knew that this was finally going to be the moment when we would be together and after a few drinks I felt brave enough to initiate it.
“It’s cold can I come under the covers with you.” I said giving him a kittenish smile.
“Be my special guest.” He answered smiling warmly.

Within seconds we were embracing and kissing each other passionetly, months of pent up emotion being released.

As he began to make love to me, I told him that I loved him.
“I love you too, so much Nina.”
“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” He said holding my face in his hands.

I had never experienced this type of passion before, it took my breath away.
I thought while gazing back into those soft cornflower blue eyes that this is it, he’s the one.


CHAPTER 2: THE ULTIMET RUSH

Sam used to shoot up speed, and after the film Train spotting came out heroin. The film that was meant to turn a whole generation off heroin actually turned them on, showing them how to heat up a spoon at the same time.

Although I took drugs, I still considered shooting up too far gone, even for me. So at first I tried to help him, all of them in fact. Until I reached a point where I had seen so many needles stuck into veins that I became desensitized and it didn’t seem as bad as what it first had.

I can’t remember when things began to go bad with Sam, but they did and very quickly.
After one of our fights I was sitting in the passenger seat of Blair’s navy blue Mini pouring out my relationship troubles to him whilst he shot a gram of speed into his arm.
“Can I try some Blair.”
“No it’s not for you, your too….innocent.”
“No I’m not.” And I didn’t feel innocent anymore after watching these guys shooting up all the time.
“I just don’t want to be responsible for giving it to you for the first time.”
“There’s only going to be a first time Blair, I’m just curious.”
“Sam wouldn’t like it.”

Good I thought. I hope it brings him untold misery and suffering, and to hell with him, Sam wasn’t going to decide what was best for me, I was.
“Come on Blair I won’t tell him if you won’t.”
Somehow that line seemed to appeal to the weaker part of his being.
“Okay only if you promise not to tell him.”

I watched him heat the spoon and thought that this maybe the worst decision I had ever made. I visualized myself junky thin and begging on the streets disowned by family and friends.
But I felt it was too late to go back.
“Yes I’m ready, what do I do.”
“Roll up your sleeve and tie this tourniquet on. He said fixing his bold blue eyes on me.
“Do you want me to do it for you”.
‘Umm yes” I said nervous and suddenly embarrassed.

With the precision of a doctor he tapped the needle for air bubbles and let a stream of liquid squirt out.

I looked the other way, like I always did when a doctor would give me a shot.
My heart raced and I felt giddy, being virtually phobic of needles.
I looked out the window at neon lights shining on the dirty pavement as I felt the needle prick my skin and then plunge into my vein.

“You need to put some pressure on this for a few minutes.” He said handing me a cotton bud to apply to the tiny puncture that the needle had made.
I closed my eyes and felt an incredible rush spread through my body.
I was talking at a million miles a second as I shut the door of his little blue mini and raced back inside to the club where we had been before.

I danced like I was doing a step aerobics for hours, and spoke to any one who would listen to my manic mono dialogues before I even noticed that Sam wasn’t in the room anymore.
I frantically searched every floor of the club, looking behind garish fluorescent banner’s and asking coked up spun out fluoro hippies if they had seen Simon, but nobody had.

By the time the dawn was breaking and birds were chirping I was back in the suburbs at my friends house chain smoking and running my tongue along the blisters in my mouth, the unfortunate legacy of chewing my gums nonstop for hours.

The speed had worn off and I felt a blackness in my soul that I had never felt before.
I had crossed the line and gone somewhere I always said I wouldn’t.
The only thing that was worse than the devastating guilt of shooting up was the fact that Sam had left me at the club and I had no idea where he was. I cried into my friends arms until I lost my voice and my eyes were tiny red slits.

“Nina, Sam’s on the phone.” One of the fluoro hippies said.
“Where have you been” I said in a small fractured voice.
“I went home with Jess.
“How could you just leave me there all alone” I sobbed into the phone my heart breaking in two.
“ Look don’t worry about it, I just felt like leaving so I did.”
“How could you be such an asshole.”
“I love you baby, more than anything.”
“Really,” I said melting
“Can I see you now”, he said urgently.
“Yes yes come now,” I said brightening.

Suddenly everything was okay he loved me and was coming to see me. I washed my face, applied some makeup and waited like a child for Christmas.



CHAPTER 3: DOCTOR DOCTOR GO FUCK YOURSELF

Sam’s bourgeois and highly conservative family kicked him out of home when they discovered that he been taking drugs in his final year of high school. Pushing him away had only made things worse. He failed his final year of school and was now taking more drugs than ever.

The family of close friend from his former private school had taken him in. They had given Sam his own room in their large suburban home and treated him as one of their own children while Sam went to an alternative college to redo his final year of school.

The father of his surrogate family was a doctor. He worked long hours so I didn’t meet him until after I had been going out with Sam for about a month. It was a Sunday night and we still hadn’t been to bed from the night before when the Doctor came into Sam’s bedroom.

He regarded my coloured hair and clashing retro clothing and gave me a wary look.
“You should probably leave now and let Sam study in Peace.” He said sternly without saying hello or introducing himself. He made me feel like the enemy and I resented him for it.

“I think that’s up to Sam to decide, I’m his guest.” I said petulantly.
“Look Sam needs to study now, and doesn’t need people around him that are a bad influence” He said touchily.
Sam had been the bad influence on me wasn’t it obvious.
“You know what! I passed my high school certificate and now I’m in my second year of university, I’d say that’s a good influence.” I said indignantly and angrier than I had intended.
“Listen Miss?”
Knight I informed him
“Listen Miss Night How can Sam be expected to pass his exams with people like YOU hanging around all the time.”
“How dare you judge me like that”
“YOU DON”T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.” I said my voice rising in anger.
“I KNOW ENOUGH AND I THINK YOU BETTER LEAVE THIS HOUSE IMMEDIATLEY.” He said pointing to the door, his face flushed red from anger.

I looked around at Sam who was looking meekly at the doctor. He obviously wasn’t going to defend me. What a bunch of assholes I thought furiously.
One of the son’s came down to see what all of the noise was about.
“I can give you a lift to the station.” he said gently.”
“And incase you ever think of honoring us with one of your visits again Miss Knight, think twice.” The doctor said sarcastically.
“Go fuck yourself!” I said sticking up my finger at him as I climbed into the car with
the doctors son and Sam.

“You shouldn’t have spoken to Dad like that.” The Doctors son said turning to look
at me.
“You could have at least of defended me Sam.” I said sullenly.
“These people have given me a home, it’s the only home I’ve got and I don’t want it jeopardized” He added quietly as we the car arrived at the station.

I got out of the car and waited for the next train in the cold dark winter’s night feeling ashamed and alone. I cursed my stupidity and cried silent tears all the way home.


CHAPTER 4: YOU CAN’T GIVE ME UP

Sam who had temporarily had a problem with me shooting up speed behind his back seemed to have gotten over it when the next weekend he offered me some heroin.
“You’re too good for me.” He said while tying the tourniquet tighter.
I didn’t feel too good for him. I could see my future draining away before my eyes and didn’t have the courage to do something about it. I felt lowly, miserable and good for nothing.

All of these thoughts disappeared as the heroin surged through my veins. I was floating. The rough edges were suddenly smoothed out in this hazy gentle space.
Life appeared to be moving in slow motion, and nothing mattered.
Even when I puked I didn’t care.

Sam and I made love like slow moving serpents for the entire day while the others nodded off in the living room. He played with my hair and stroked my face looking into my pinned eyes telling me he loved me over and over. This was heaven all of our problems disappeared and we were free to love without the angst of the everyday.

Unlike Sam I only shot up on weekends, but I still needed to wear long sleeved tops to cover the bruises that the needle marks made. I wasn’t addicted like the other’s and announced one morning to my pale and strung out friends that “Heroin is stronger than us and if we don’t stop soon then it will take over”

“We’re just having fun.” Sam laughed.
“I can give up any time I want”. I looked at his junky thin body and pale strung out face and doubted his words. I thought they were being naïve and told them so. I knew Heroin had the ability to destroy my life and all of my dreams, and I guess that was the difference between them and me. I wanted to stop playing with the devil while they thought he was their friend.

But even my guilty conscience wasn’t strong enough to stop me from taking the drug “just one more time.”
I went with them one evening to Cabramatta, Sydney’s heroin capital for junkies and dealer’s alike. I thought about how out of control my life was getting as we shot up in a deserted car park having scored heroin from a beat up weedy looking junky.


One morning after breakfast my mum ordered me to come into her bedroom. Both of my parents were sitting up in bed looking at me sternly. My mum’s face was red and her voice was throaty from crying.
“I know what you’ve been doing.” She hissed accusingly.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said playing dumb.
“Taking drugs you little fool” Mum said glaring at me barely able to control her rage.
“You don’t have any Proof.” I replied smugly.
“It’s all in here” Said my mother pushing my diary into my face.
“HOW DARE YOU, THAT”S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” I screamed enraged.
“OH YES IT”S VERY MUCH MY BUSINESS, YOU’RE MY BUSINESS!”’

She sounded hurt and furious at the same time.
“Its that little punk Sam, and his dimwitted friends, Isn’t it!”.
“NO it’s not”
“I DON”T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS NOW.” I yelled slamming the door in her face.
I went and sat in my bedroom and cried bitter tears. I was enraged at my mother for invading my privacy like that and also ashamed that I had hurt my parents so deeply.

The next night when we were lying in bed after just making love I told Sam that my parent’s knew that I had been taking hard drugs. His cheeks looked even more sunken than usual.” I don’t think we’re right for each other.” He said climbing out of bed.
“What do you mean we’re not right for each other! ”
I had expected him to offer some type of support.
“What I mean is” he said cautiously” Is that I don’t know weather I love you.”
I felt my world caving in around me, and begged him to take it back.
“I have to get out of here I need to study otherwise I’m going to fuck it up again.” He said backing out the door.

Two days later my parents left town, my mother warned me not to do anything stupid while she was gone. She looked worried and worn out. Sam came over, wanting to apologize. After having animal like sex for hours, the way we solved all of our problems
He shot up in my childhood bedroom.

As he disappeared into the land of dreams so too did the innocence of my childhood. “This is safer than drinking.” You know he said with his eyes closed taking in the first part of the rush.
“No it’s not. Drinking is more of a social activity.” I said disagreeing
“My father’s an alcoholic, and I’ve seen how alcohol destroyed our family, and I never want to be violent like him.”
“People aren’t violent on heroin.” He said kissing me gently on the lips.

“Sam, why are you so mean to me sometimes.” I said changing the subject
“I just don’t want you to end up like me he said with tears in his eyes, you’re better than that, that’s why sometimes I try and push you away.”
“You know I love you more than anything baby.”
We hugged for what seemed like an eternity but I knew it wasn’t true. Sam loved drugs more than anything..


CHAPTER 5: ROCK BOTTOM

“I don’t think we’re suited.” Sam told me over the phone one evening.
“What do you mean.” I said hurt and offended. He always had the capacity to surprise me with his contradictory feelings.
“Nothing don’t worry about it.”
“Also I can’t see you tonight because I have to go and see my grandfather he’s sick.”
“Since when have you ever cared about him, you always say that you’ll visit him, but you never do, it’s a pretence.” I said aiming to hurt him as he had hurt me.”
“You see we can never work,” Glad that he now had ammunition for his argument.
“It’s over.”
“No Sam, you don’t mean it.” I pleaded.
“Yes I mean it we’re finished.” He said coldly before slamming down the receiver.

I felt my heart break into tiny pieces, suddenly nothing mattered anymore. The next day I went to art school and told a teacher that I wanted to drop out. She told me that I wasn’t ready to be here and it was probably a good idea. I was surprised by her answer I had expected her to say that it would be a waste of all my amazing talent. Maybe I wasn’t as talented as I thought.
I packed up my things and felt lower than I had ever felt in my life as I walked out of the school gates.

That afternoon when I returned home I felt as though I had nothing to live for anymore. I felt totally destroyed. The love of my life had left me, and my dreams of becoming an artist were ruined. I had failed spectacularly in every way. Life seemed an endless bottomless pit of pain and I wanted out.

My grandmother was staying with us at the time. She had been on an assortment of ‘mother’s little helpers’ for years. Pills for every type of nervous condition, I reached into her bag and found a brand new box of valium. There were fifteen in the packet and I swallowed all of them.

I panicked immediately, suddenly imagining my parents crying over my coffin and realized I couldn’t do it to them. I had already hurt and disappointed them too much already. I dialed Sam and told him everything.
He called my parents straight away and told them what I had taken, and within 17 minutes I was in the emergency section of the hospital.

“Who’s the Prime Minister of Australia” a nurse said shining a torch in my eye.
I don’t remember what I said but the nurse laughed.
She asked me a few other questions before giving me an anesthetic so that they could pump my stomach.

CHAPTER 6: WIPE THE SLATE

A few days later I was at home sitting in our back yard.
“Mum do you think I need to go to a psychiatrist.”
“Don’t be silly, you did a very stupid thing, but I know that you’ll be okay”
“How do you know that.” I said surprised at my mum’s positivism.
“When you were a little girl your grandfather read your palm, and you know what he told me.”
“No, what”
He said never to worry about Nina, that you may get into a few scrapes but you will always land on your feet.”
My mother’s confidence in me was encouraging and made me feel better, made me feel that I could get my life back together.

“You have a visitor.” Mum called out to me as I lay gazing up the blue summer sky.
Sam came in through the garden gate wearing a leather jacket and carrying a motorcycle helmet.

“How are you feeling” He said shielding his face from the afternoon sun.
“I’m okay.”
“I think your going to be okay too, and better off without me.”
“Did you get the results back from your exams.” I said changing the subject
“Yeah, I totally fucked it up again, I guess school’s just not for me. I’m going to do study a trade you know something like jewelry making.”
“I heard you dropped out of art school. What are you going to do now” he asked gently
“I’m leaving town for a while. I’m going to stay with my uncle in North Queensland and just take a break.”

We wished each other luck. Then he left.
As I heard him revving the engine on his motorcycle and driving away I realized that we had reached the end of the chapter, that things were really over between us.


The next Friday afternoon my Mum drove me to the train station, and cried as she waved me off.
The train trip took two and half days before we arrived in Port Douglas. It was hot like a sauna, making people laid back and slow moving.
My Uncle never asked me any questions, even though I’m sure my Mum had told him everything. He just let me be without passing judgment.

My brightly coloured hair and clashing clothing seemed artificial in this natural environment. In fact everything about my life in Sydney seemed artificial, and the things I had placed so much importance on were comical out of context.

I let my hair grow longer and died it back to its natural colour again I spent everyday taking long walks through the rainforest, and swimming under the stars.
I let nature heal me, and all of my past drama’s fade away. Life really was a precious thing, something to be valued, and I saw that now.

By the time I returned to Sydney 2 months later I felt like a different person. I didn’t want drugs to decide the course of my life for me ever again.
I had only injected drugs for 2 months with Sam, but the beginning of a lonely and wretched path had opened itself up to me and almost destroyed my life.

I stopped seeing all of my old friends, and began again, making new friends with people with other interests besides just taking drugs. It was hard at first but eventually I made friends with people who were creative and had something to offer the world besides just sucking the marrow from it.

A couple of years later after I had been traveling around the world and was completing my final year of art school I ran into an old friend who knew Sam.
“How is he.” I asked.
“He’s in rehab again and not doing that well.”
“And Blair,”
“Oh, my friend paused kicking a stone on the ground Blair didn’t make it, he died from an overdose last year.”
“I’m so sorry.” I said swallowing the lump in my throat.
My heart aching for those poor boys who played with the Devil thinking he couldn’t take them away.